How on earth has it gotten to be September already? The month made its presence quickly known around here... cool evenings, almost brisk mornings, warm days with a nice breeze. A far cry from the hot, muggy, humid summers of the mid-Atlantic.
I remember turning the calendar to September last year... realizing it was the last time I would turn to a month where Isaac would be alive the whole time. How weird is that... to know that in September of 2008, Isaac would be with us. Through all of it. In my tummy, kicking away. And in October 2008, he would be with us for some of it... but not all of it. It would be the month where hello also meant goodbye... two words that should never be ushered in the same breath.
I remember sitting in counseling a few months ago talking with her (the counselor I see) about where I am in my grief journey, and she shared with me how grief is an incredibly sensory experience. At the time, it made sense to me in my head, but I didn't totally "get it." I had always thought of grief as an emotional thing, and a spiritual thing... but not necessarily a sensory thing.
These past few days, it has really struck me. The coolness of the air as I went for a run, the smell of pumpkin bread cooking in my oven... all of the things that start to speak of fall.
When Isaac was born... and when he passed away.
This past Sunday when we visited the cemetery, it was a bit cooler than usual. There was this great breeze and I just remember thinking how much it physically started to feel like the days we visited the cemetery shortly after Isaac was buried.
I guess it's just hard for me to know that in 5 days, we'll mark the last month milestone since Isaac was born... then we'll be moving onto years.
Gosh, that sounds so long... so much farther than I want to be from my son.
I know this post is a bit random, and I am not sure if it even makes any sense. :) It's just hard to articulate the realization that the one year mark of your son's birth... and death... is dawning. And while I am so thankful for how the Lord has brought us through this and where He has led us, there's a part of me that wishes it wasn't all feeling like it was slipping so far away.
I suppose it's times like this that I am reminded, and am so thankful, that eternity is far greater than any distance that can be measured in months, years, or even decades.